SHORTS

Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
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Bloom says, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world.
Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row."
The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Bloom. That doesn't sound so
terrible."
Bloom says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."
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A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian says, "This is a library."
So the blonde whispers very softly: "Can I have a burger and fries?"
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A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. And what's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."
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A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven,
stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
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The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up."
The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't > you go home and discuss it with your wife?"
The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "What did you decide?"
He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."
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An old guy gets a hard-on for the first time in years.
He runs into the living room and says to his wife, "I forget what I'm supposed to do with this."
She says, "Why don't you wash it while you've got the wrinkles out?"
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I lost an electron."
The second one says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
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Harry is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one
last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Charlie?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Charlie."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."
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George W. is spending his first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and George W. says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
George W. says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
George W. says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

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What's female Viagra?
Jewelry.

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A new study found out days men prefer to have sex. It was
found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the
days that started with the letter "T".
Examples of those days are as follows:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday
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A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out
of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home
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- What's the best form of birth control after 50?
- Nudity
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- What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
- 45 lbs
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- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband?
- 45 minutes
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- What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"
-Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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- What do you call a smart blonde?
- A golden retriever.
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- What' s the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?
- A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with a recipe.
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- What's the Cuban national anthem?
- Row, row, row your boat.
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- What's the difference between a northern fairytale and
a southern fairytale?
- A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time".
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe
this shit.

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